A Brief History of the Gods
At first, there were two gods: Vurk and Sonah. They fought for like, a while. Tired, Vurk gave Sonah some of it’s knowledge of beauty, love, and time. That caused Sonah to have a change of heart. Sonah stopped breaking stuff for no reason. As a thank you, Vurk made the world and a race of everlasting creatures to live on it (the first elves). Sonah was impressed. It thanked Vurk for the cool gift and they both watched the new world for a while. Eventually though, everyone got bored. Vurk wanted to make new stuff but there wasn’t really any room. Sonah wanted to fuck some shit up, but couldn’t break the cool toy. Even the elves got bored of sitting around looking at trees and flowers and shit. Sonah hit upon the idea of making the world a little bigger and giving the creatures on it a limited amount of time to do stuff before they expired to make room for new ones. The thinking was, they would do a lot less sitting around staring at trees and shit if there were some stakes to life.
Life, as we know it
Sonah and Vurk both agreed that it would be a dick move to spring mortality on the creatures that were already there. So They gave the elves a way to make more elves and only the new ones would be mortal. They weren’t really sure how to let the elves make more elves though. At first Vurk just let them do it like it did, by willing them into existence. The elves got a little carried away with that. Sonah was forced to destroy most of the new elves because there were just too many of them. Sonah and Vurk thought it might be a good idea to make it a little harder.
So the elves laid eggs for a while, they don’t like to talk about it, but all of them did it. Vurk was getting sort of bored with elves though, so the eggs hatched into dragons (dragons, kobolds) and bird people (Aaracokra and Kenku). Which was pretty weird and the elves thought it was pretty weird too. So they scrapped that idea. Vurk, by this time was getting a pretty serious case of the likes for Sonah because they were working so closely on the life stuff and around each other all the time and hit on the idea that working together made better results. Vurk decided to make the elves work together to make more elves. The process was modelled loosely on how Vurk and Sonah complimented each other. So some elves were given the “power of growth” while others were given a “void of potential”. The elves decided those names were too navel gazey and pretentious and eventually called them other stuff.
Vurk was still sort of sick of elves so the offspring made from the new collaborative method were also different. Some were short and stocky (Dwarves), others looked a lot like thick elves with blunt ears (humans), some were super small and chill (halflings), but some of the small ones also liked to make stuff out of twigs and leaves too (gnomes). The elves liked the new process a lot and did it all the time, but they thought their offspring were kind of lame and asked Vurk for some normal looking kids. Vurk wasn’t too excited for more elves and so snuck some more of those bitchin’ dragons in along with the normal elf kids. But so the elves wouldn’t be as mad, made them look a little elf-ish with arms and legs and stuff, not wings and claws (Dragonborn).
Varuna: Seasons and Night
After that was all sorted out, Sonah started to feel a little jealous of the elves because that thing they did to make more elves looked really fun. When Sonah mentioned it to Vurk, Vurk laughed because it was kind of feeling the same way. Sonah floated the idea that they try it, but like not in a serious way, just a casual thing. Vurk agreed and changed them both to be compatible with the new creating stuff workflow. Vurk and Sonah banged for like, a while. Eventually, Sonah caught preggers and gave birth to a daughter and named her Varuna. Vurk was excited to be a father and to celebrate how his whole world now revolved around his daughter, he created the sun and made the world revolve around it. Previously the world just sort of glowed on its own.
It took Vurk a long time to get all the kinks worked out, but eventually he settled on an arrangement that made seasons and days.
Varuna was super into the mortals and hung out a lot with them. She especially liked the tiny ones (gnomes and halflings) and the new ones (babies). She asked her father if she could have them, but no one was really sure how that would work. Sonah thought maybe if she and Vurk showed the kid how to wield divine power (Knowledge and Magic), she could use them to help the mortals do cool stuff, which might make everyone a little better off. It worked really well. Vurk was super impressed with her cleverness, and his already bad case of the likes for Sonah got worse because she was so awesome. It turned out, Sonah felt kind of sort of the same way. When their daughter grew up, they decided the elves had a pretty good system for hooking up for the long term, so they borrowed it and got married. But only sort of, because elves are playas.
To thank the elves for their idea, and because they were feeling kind of guilty about the immortality thing, Vurk and Sonah hooked the elves up by letting them become stars. Sonah granted them the power to exist outside time so that all of existence passed in the same moment. For his part Vurk thought it would be rad to have the elves float up into the sky and become stars. Which everyone agreed looked wicked cool. The elves liked it too, because they could come and go from this state as they pleased with only a little bit of work.
The Twin’s War
To celebrate their new union, they banged some more. This time though, Sonah caught super preggers and had twin boys, the fair haired Auruhm and the raven haired Shik. As a gift to his new sons, Vurk hung two moons in the sky that orbited the world together. The boys were lame and fought all the time with each other. They kept trying to rope their sister and the mortals into it, but they weren’t really feeling it. Eventually the little bastards realized they had their own godly powers and started using them to try to dick each other over, which was lame for everyone. Shik used trickery and deceit to try and win, while Auruhm thought that was for chumps and chose to fight out in the open, because it was easier for everyone. Trying to calm everything down, Vurk stepped in and made it so that they couldn’t fight each other any more and symbolically changed the orbits of their moons so they wouldn’t be in perfect sync anymore. Both brothers thought that was lame, so they borrowed (stole) Vurk’s creation power. They made their own mortals that were really good at fighting. Shik thought that the elves were pretty good, but lacked a few things, so he made some improvements (orcs). Auruhm thought starting from scratch might be the better way to go, so he cheated a little bit and made his mortals out of rocks and trees and shit (warforged). The Warforged were like, super bad at that collaborative offspring making thing though, so he made them modular and taught them how to build more of themselves. Having heard the story of the bajillion elves from his parents, Auruhm made sure that the new stone and tree guys had to get in touch with him to turn the new ones on, so he could keep an eye on how many of them there were. Shik’s orcs and Auruhm’s warforged fought for a long time. Varuna thought it was super lame how they were messing everything up, so she finally ratted them out.
When Vurk and Sonah found out what was going on, they were super pissed. But couldn’t be too mad, because that’s how they were for like, a while. Vurk was also very impressed by what his sons had made, even if they were kind of scary and dangerous. Sonah decided that they needed to chill. So she stuck them where Vurk put all the broken and weird creations until both of them chilled the fuck out. While the brothers worked through their shit, everyone agreed that something would have to be done about the stuff they made because it was fucking shit up for the mortals. Vurk appeared to the orcs and told them to chill. They were glad. Most of the orcs just wanted to bang and explore and shit. But some of them quietly had a, “you’re not my real dad” moment and stuck with the Shik’s wishes. Since there weren’t a lot of them and Vurk was super chill, he decided to let them do their thing, but asked Varuna to keep an eye on them. Those rebels messed things up for the rest of the orcs though for quite a while. Meanwhile, Sonah had a good long look at the rock and tree dudes. She admired her son’s handiwork. Sonah thought the Warforged weren’t a complete lost cause and took the power to activate them from Auruhm and gave it to Varuna. Varuna was super stoked to have her own mortals, because it was everything she ever wanted, and did them a solid by making them like a million times cooler (and chiller). Instead of being made of rock, she made them of stone and metal. Instead of wood she used enchanted lumber, which is just like wood, but with glowing shit on it. She also made them a million times chiller. Just in case her brothers were still dicks after they came back, she also made sure they could fuck some shit up and defend themselves.
Farrok: Mind = Blown
While she was working on her new stone, metal, and wood dudes, one of the first elves gave her a hey girl. She was super curious what was up with that. Varuna had watched mortals getting it on and she was equipped for the process, but that elf was a total sleaze (like most of the first elves are). She was still super curious though and asked her dad about it. He totally misunderstood and gave her a lecture about how gross it was to bang stuff you made, which she thought was a good idea and scratched off the stone, metal, and tree guy from her list of potential lays. After that embarrassing conversation, she went trolling for mortals. Eventually, Varuna found a few that would work, but couldn’t make up her mind. She decided that like mortal women, these chumps needed to impress her. She made them all show her how smart and cool they were. When they were done, Sonah, who had secretly been watching the whole time, showed up and straight up called out the guy who won as a phoney. Everybody was shocked, but also like super curious how this dude managed to cheat a god. So Varuna ended up banging the guy who came in second. Partly to show the mortals that cheating is for chumps and that you shouldn’t try to trick people into banging, no matter how hot they are. But like also because he was a solid nine and she was into that.
Because her parents didn’t really think about it all that carefully when they got the whole collaborative reproduction thing rolling, Varuna caught preggers. It was weird. Her son, Farrok, though, turned out to be wicked smart and chill, so it wasn’t all bad. Vurk and Sonah were super stoked they were now grandparents and gave Farrok the gifts of knowledge and cleverness to help him along because he had mortal blood and couldn’t just take that sort of stuff if he wanted it. He did ok. The mortals loved him because he was one of them, sort of. He liked dropping knowledge bombs on suckas, which only made the mortals like him even more because he didn’t have the forbidden knowledge hang ups his mom or grandma had and thought it was kind of funny when they melted because he blew their mind.
The Outer Planes: Demons, Aberrations, and Angels
Vurk and Farrok were tight. One day, Farrok asked his Grandfather about his uncles. Everyone realized that they had completely forgotten about them and felt super bad. The whole family went to check on them in the universe’s trash can, only to find they had gotten even worse. With nothing but each other and the broken and scary cast offs to keep them company, they both doubled down on the fighting. But this time, shit was real. Since there was nothing really at stake, they had both escalated to the point of absurdity. Shik had created vile, twisted monstrosities and demons to fight with. Auruhm had basically broken the stick off in his ass and made smug angels to fight back. They had both been there so long, they had almost forgotten about their family and tried to attack them when they showed up. Sonah was having none of that. She was so angry they hadn’t learned their lesson, she almost destroyed them and their creations on the spot, but Farrok stopped her. He thought it might be a good idea to make them mortal for a lifetime or ten until they learned their lesson. Everyone thought that was a good idea, except the brothers, so they broke apart the trash bin into separate chunks to keep the new creatures from fighting and getting into anymore trouble then sent the brothers to the material world to be born and reborn, until they lived a chill ass life, and died of old age.
A Thousand Lives
It took them both a lot longer than anyone expected it to. Thousands of lifetimes, in fact. Until finally, Auruhm died a zen master and his mom brought him home. His nephew was now in charge of rehabilitating him and getting him back on his feet. It went smoothly for the most part. He was a little grumpy about his rock and tree guys, but he thought his sister had done a fine job with them and his nephew was super patient. Everything was going fine until Shik finally wasn’t a complete dick and got brought back.
Shik was super angry about having to be a mortal for so long and instead of hanging out with his nephew he vowed to get revenge on the whole damn family for making him suffer as a mortal and ran off to hang with his demons and monsters. Sonah and Vurk were not thrilled about that, but decided since he wasn’t fucking with the mortals and ruining the family holidays anymore they weren’t going to do to much about it. Sonah in particular thought it was nice that he was trying to find himself so encouraged everyone to just give him some space.
Khya: Weather and Natural Disasters
Shik was super not chill and basically the second he got home, he started plotting his revenge and sending his minions out to wreak havoc. He felt pretty outnumbered and outgunned though so he tried to expand his operations by bestowing some godly powers that he found in the universe’s trash bin on some of his minions. Apparently demons and monsters were a bit more melty than gods. So he decided to do what his sister had done and bang a mortal. But because he was kind of a dick and mortals were pretty chill as a rule he was having a hard time finding any that were willing to hook up. Eventually he decided that consent wasn’t super important for what he needed anyway and kidnapped one. He just couldn’t catch a break though because she melted too from all that godly power baking in her oven and ruined the whole thing. So he did what anyone would do and got his own oven to cook offspring in by turning himself into a woman and went trolling for dudes. Shik still didn’t have much luck on the willing participant angle because evidently her brother and nephew had been slandering her good name. Being very clever though, she eventually figured it out. She posed as a mortal woman that she knew her brother couldn’t resist and got him to knock her up. It worked, but not quite like she thought it would. Her daughter, Khya, was not nearly as much of a dick as she was and took the powers she was given and went to hang out with the mortals.
Khya was not kind and generous like her grandfather. She wasn’t particularly wise or smart like her Grandmother. She didn’t hold mortals in high regard like her aunt or want to protect them like her uncle/father. She didn’t even sympathize with them very much like her cousin. She thought they were alright and the world was better than her mom’s place. For the mortals part, it was pretty mutual, she wasn’t always a dick or always nice, so they never really knew where they stood with her. Khya mostly kept to herself and played around with the world itself. The powers Shik had given her were some of the powers Vurk had used to create the world but were no longer needed. She had great fun making new creatures and places (the ways) and causing the sea to do stuff. After a while the mortals got kind of annoyed and asked her to stop making hurricanes and earthquakes and stuff. Khya was over it anyway and the dwarf that asked her to knock it off was super cool so she followed her around for a while. The dwarf for her part, was not excited to be babysitting for the gods, but thought there could be worse fates.
The Backlogged Dead
Around this same time, Sonah was having something of a problem. Part of the deal with the mortals was that after they were done with the world they got to come chill with the gods they liked. Sonah had been shirking her responsibilities and just left all the mortals in a holding area that was starting to overflow. Too proud to ask her husband for help, she instead went to her daughter for advice. When Varuna saw what was going on, she was pissed, but like not in a bad way? So she and her mother took an inventory of the mortals and they really wanted to ask Farrok for help but he was tight with Vurk and no one wanted to upset him (not because he was violent or whatever, but because everyone loved him and didn’t want to let him down). So they struggled for a long time trying to get the dead mortals sorted out and discovered that while no one had been looking Shik had been recruiting the displaced mortals to be demons and monsters, which pissed Sonah off, like a lot. But she also felt like it was her fault, and calmed down quickly. Sonah and Varuna finally finished their census and started filtering the mortals to where they were supposed to be. The ones that had a particular affinity for a god went to chill at their place, while the ones who didn’t have a particular favorite or didn’t really care for the gods were kept by Sonah and left to do their own thing.
Once the death processing system was working smoothly Vurk showed up and told his wife and daughter they had done a good job getting the backup cleared out. They were super embarrassed he had known all along, but he wasn’t mad and everything worked out for the best. He created a holding area for the recently dead mortals to chill out and Varuna thought it was too cool and rigged up a system to let mortals help shepherd themselves along to where they needed to go.
The Age of Champions
Varuna, while she and her mother had worked on the dead processing area, thought it might be cool to let the mortals be stars like the elves. But only the dead ones. Sonah thought it was a good idea too, but mortals were pretty melty, even when dead. So instead of existing outside of time and perceiving all of existence in a single instant, that was also eternity, mortal stars view time linearly, but could view any place as they wished. When that was setup, Sonah and Varuna told the rest of the family about it and asked them to let their favorite mortals become stars.
All the gods thought the mortal star thing was pretty neat and for a time, Shik even stopped being a dick to everyone and took part in the fun. It is during this period that most of the stars in the heavens were placed.
Auruhm and his nephew had been spending a lot of time together since the whole living-as-a-mortal thing and he was starting to get pretty chill. When he learned that his Brother was now his Sister and had tricked him into banging and had a kid, he wasn’t even mad. He congratulated Shik for a trick well executed and reached out to his new daughter to see what she was up to. Shik was super mad everyone was cool with her tricking and banging her brother, because really she just wanted people to pay attention to her and doubled down on her havoc wreaking operations. Her heart wasn’t in it and soon she went back to trying to plan her big revenge.
When Auruhm finally tracked down Khya, he was surprised to find her shacked up with the dwarves doing dwarf stuff. The dwarves, to his mind had mostly been boring workers and farmers and not at all good at fighting, which he did not like. So he set about fixing that. He taught the dwarves how to build castles and forts and shit, but also how to make stuff out of metal that could be used to hit people with. The dwarves weren’t really interested. They thanked him for the knowledge and went back to being super into the world they lived on. They got so into it that a lot of them moved inside of it. That sucked though because there wasn’t much to eat down there and it always smelled like rotten eggs. Khya, who was living with the dwarves, was super embarrassed by how much of a dork her dad was being. She liked that the dwarves were into some of the same stuff she was so she made living underground suck less by teaching the dwarves how to see in the dark and not be as annoyed by the gross stuff.
Restless Elf Syndrome
The first elves were super chill, but even with making new elves and all the other stuff to do, they were starting to get restless. Some of them asked Vurk for help so he gathered a bunch of them up and talked to them about what they thought would make things more interesting. Some of them wanted things to go back to the way it was before they had all those damn kids, while others wanted new things to see and explore. Still others were kind of into what Shik had been pitching them on and wanted more of that old fighting stuff. Vurk and the elves were stumped on how to fix it and annoyed that Shik was still trying to fuck shit up, so he asked Farrok to come in and help figure things out.
The Two gods and the elves talked for a while. The mortals and other gods started to wonder what was going on with them because they had been talking for so long. It took a while, but eventually they figured out a solution to the elves’ boredom, Shik’s meddling, and what to do with all the indecisive dead mortals just chilling in the waiting area that were starting to backup again.
Vurk made a vast new plane, larger than all the other ones combined. He talked with Sonah for a while and they worked together to make some new creatures (Wardens) that were like super good at fighting. So good at fighting in fact, Auruhm and Shik were jealous and a bit scared of what he was going to do with them. Vurk and Sonah took big chunks of their power and sealed them away with the help of the Varuna and Farrok at the center of this new world. They called a family meeting, and even invited Shik, who came because she was super curious about what was going on.
Vurk and Sonah told their family that they had created this new place because they had gotten a lot of feedback that some of the mortals were bored and needed something to do. They said that they had locked enough power away at the center that whoever took it would be able to remake the universe to their own tastes. Shik was super interested in this. The Power would be protected by the new creatures Vurk and Sonah had made. Anyone, God or mortal, who opened the vaults could take the power and do whatever they wanted with it. Everyone was super uncomfortable with how into the remaking Shik was. The dead mortal waiting area would be opened up for recruiting purposes so that the first elves and any gods who cared to, could gather dead mortals to help them take the power.
Auruhm was not to thrilled about Shik’s scheming so he took it upon himself to make sure she didn’t get all that power. He recruited the first elves who were kind of bored of the world to lead his armies on the new plane and prepare for his sister’s inevitable invasion. Shik moved quickly though, trying to win before her brother could get a foothold. But the Wardens her parents had made were pretty OP. After a stunning defeat, she realized that she really needed to up her game if she was going to have any chance at winning this thing. But she also didn’t want her brother to get too powerful while she bulked up. She spread herself too thin though trying to reduce her brother’s numbers while also upping recruiting efforts and training.
Vurk and Sonah were pretty stoked the plan had worked. The mortals loved the idea of having something important to do after they died. The first elves that weren’t into fighting enjoyed exploring the new plane, and were given the power to come and go there as they pleased. Shik and Auruhm both liked the fighting a lot, and Varuna, Farrok and Khya all enjoyed the peace and quiet.
And that’s how things were, for a while.